as I frustrate them
because I cannot fit
inside their head
as they repeat the same verses
and I swallow waves with a nod
so that they might not be angry
anymore.
I hold oceans within my chest
as his voice rains fire
because I fall short
again.
As he waves the key to these chains
he tied as laces to my feet.
That the key is love
I haven’t earned yet
but I know as long as I breathe
I will not fit into that coffin.
I hold oceans within my chest
at the memory I’ll never have.
At the nightmare
that will never cease.
What was taken,
what was lost
on that dirty mattress.
I hold oceans within my chest
when I think of all the things
I never got to say
to him.
At the closure
I let him take.
All the lies
he shared
as if they were plans.
When I remember my secrets
I croaked out to him,
lit up by 90 watts.
When I let him hold me
in his warmth
as if it meant something,
told me it did
and I believed him.
I hold oceans within my chest
at the leering, hungry
eyes
that track bodies--
mine.
When I want to disappear
into vapor,
becoming the sky
so I may finally be
untouchable.
I held oceans within my chest
when he walked through my door,
eyes shining
in pacific sunlight.
When he spilled his convictions
on hardwood floors.
When I felt the hurt,
not just my own.
When I relived what it was like
to be invisible--
unknown.
How I tried
to not let go.
I hold oceans within my chest
when he asks questions
in the dark
I have never had to answer.
At him making plans
that I beg to be truth
and how I want to share mine.
But God knows
how hard it is
to shed this skin
as I cannot put so much
at stake.